| The end |
[24 Nov 2003|07:05pm] |
I'm done with live journal. Nobody ever reads it but me. So this is a good-bye letter to myself.
I've realized, finally, how un-special I am. In the immortal words of some guy from a movie,
You are not beautiful and unique snowflakes. You are all part of the same compost heap.
I'm somewhere in the middle, not quite disintegrated, but soggy and steaming, nonetheless.
poetry is for dreamers. Dreams are an escape. Avoiding reality is dangerous. Digging too deep is equally so.
So down with confusion! Screw all the cluttered emotions and the whining, pitiful drones of the malcontent. Take what you get, and give some back.
Mine's been a boomerang, more than a roller coaster. Sometimes it's even like dominoes toppling each other.
People are restless, unsatisfiable and selfish, and that will never change.
memories are dreams, an old crushes' phone number logs you on for blogging and regrets.
guilt, regret, feelings of inadequacy, these are the worst of all. Nobody wants you until you tell them to fuck off.
Never talk to me again.
The end.
|
|
| Cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me |
[29 Oct 2003|07:29pm] |
and after all,
I put in an application. If my background check goes well, I'll have my own apartment this weekend. That rocks. I won't even need a roommate or anything!
Stephanie might be moving back out here, but not for at least a year or so.
Work is as hectic as ever, but I'm learning to deal. Plus I'm getting stronger every day, and once I start working out again, I pity da foo who gets in my way. (Namely my boss)
I guess it's not a strength contest though. I'm just hoping he won't push me around so much once he realizes I can kick his ass. He's got such an attitude, he really thinks he's the shit and it's starting to piss me off. Not just because of the crap I have to deal with, but the way he treats everybody. I really feel bad for them sometimes. He just has a way of making you feel like you're an idiot, and then telling you that fact over and over again.
I have a feeling he won't last long with his management techniques though, so I'm not afraid. Besides I know if I'm better than him, I can put up with his shit AND try to be a buffer for the other employees as well. I'm not sure what I'll get out of it though, I guess I don't really care. It just kinda sucks because I'm his right hand man and they all look to me as though I'm right there with him, making their lives more difficult. Sometimes they don't even see the shit I do for them though, so they don't have to work so hard. I never tell them, cause I don't want to... I dunno. I just don't tell them. I would feel bad if I did.
anyway, the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. I had a CT scan not too long ago but the results show that everything looks fine in there. However, the pain in my side persists. Will keep updating.
In other news, my home state is burning to the ground! :(
and there are plenty of fires out here too. Although, the estimated damage in CA is about 620,000 acres (at 6:30 pm on the 29th) while out here, a mere 5,000 has been destroyed. I guess I can't complain. One thing that makes me sad is that a little town called Julian where we used to go as kids is in danger of being destroyed, and I had always hoped to take that special someone there to see it with me in the future, on vacation, or honeymoon, or something. :(
other that that, things are just chugging along. I'm being forced to learn the mentality of "hurry up and wait" which seems to be our society's motto.
That's that.
|
|
| Cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me |
[29 Oct 2003|07:18pm] |
and after all,
I put in an application. If my background check goes well, I'll have my own apartment this weekend. That rocks. I won't even need a roommate or anything!
Stephanie might be moving back out here, but not for at least a year or so.
Work is as hectic as ever, but I'm learning to deal. Plus I'm getting stronger every day, and once I start working out again, I pity da foo who gets in my way. (Namely my boss)
I guess it's not a strength contest though. I'm just hoping he won't push me around so much once he realizes I can kick his ass. He's got such an attitude, he really thinks he's the shit and it's starting to piss me off. Not just because of the crap I have to deal with, but the way he treats everybody. I really feel bad for them sometimes. He just has a way of making you feel like you're an idiot, and then telling you that fact over and over again.
I have a feeling he won't last long with his management techniques though, so I'm not afraid. Besides I know if I'm better than him, I can put up with his shit AND try to be a buffer for the other employees as well. I'm not sure what I'll get out of it though, I guess I don't really care. It just kinda sucks because I'm his right hand man and they all look to me as though I'm right there with him, making their lives more difficult. Sometimes they don't even see the shit I do for them though, so they don't have to work so hard. I never tell them, cause I don't want to... I dunno. I just don't tell them. I would feel bad if I did.
anyway, the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. I had a CT scan not too long ago but the results show that everything looks fine in there. However, the pain in my side persists. Will keep updating.
In other news, my home state is burning to the ground! :(
and there are plenty of fires out here too. Although, the estimated damage in CA is about 620,000 acres (at 6:30 pm on the 29th) while out here, a mere 5,000 has been destroyed. I guess I can't complain. One thing that makes me sad is that a little town called Julian where we used to go as kids is in danger of being destroyed, and I had always hoped to take that special someone there to see it with me in the future, on vacation, or honeymoon, or something. :(
other that that, things are just chugging along. I'm being forced to learn the mentality of "hurry up and wait" which seems to be our society's motto.
That's that.
|
|
| We got a good thing goin on |
[20 Oct 2003|06:42pm] |
Well, some of you don't know this, but I was recently promoted, through no fault of my own, to second warehouse manager at my new job. I say "new" because I've only been there for about three months. I'm also the youngest person there.
It just so happens that I was dumped into this position by my boss because he has a problem with the previous title holder guy, who is now taking it out on me as if it were my fault. Not to mention that today I was left in the warehouse by myself, to coordinate our drivers, pull orders and will call, all while loading a truck scheduled to run. All of this of course had to happen on the day I need to get off early in order to make my appointment for the CAT scan. But I'd like to think I pulled through with flying colors.
I just can't wait til I get a raise. Not to mention that my boss hasn't OFFICIALLY changed my status. Once he takes responsibility for his decision I know things will run a lot smoother, the other guy will get off my back and quit making comments (or quit), and I can begin to learn more. I can't wait for our product training meeting which was promised to us about a week ago. Hopefully with the new knowledge I can begin to do some side work. That would be sweet.
If all goes well, I should be moving out on my own before the end of the year! It's going to be so awesome. I can't wait to have my own apartment, with all the furnishings and the bragging rights as well (heh). I am self-sufficient!! Or at least, I have the ability to be. I just want a little more money, to make it a little easier on myself.
Hey! My truck broke down this weekend and I fixed it myself! And I don't even know much about carburetors. I don't even know how to spell that word!
In other news, 16 year old girls think I'm hot. This always tends to be bad. But sometimes I get free car washes if they work at gas stations (Not that kind, you sick bastards, I'm talking about the fully automated drive-through ones).
I can't wait to go back to school! I want to meet cool people. I know who they are now. I just hope I'm one of them and not the idiot I sometimes find myself to be.
Anyway, to sum it up, I have good stress in my life for once instead of the really bad, overwhelming kind. It rocks! I'm gonna call you soon Spider!
|
|
| I would never have guessed it... |
[06 Oct 2003|07:47pm] |
EMPEROR
"the pioneer, builder, doer,
visionary"
You create what is needed for future generations.
You have a deep love for adventure, travel,
change, the creative process, setting new
things in motion, and changing both internally
and externally. You have a great gift of
visionary perception, an eye for what is and is
not working.
which major arcana of the thoth tarot deck are you? short, with pictures and detailed results
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
| If you take the red pill, |
[06 Oct 2003|07:42pm] |
| The Potion Maker |
|---|
| demelzackium is an opaque, viscous fuchsia liquid obtained from the belly of a Jabberwocky. | | fackpatonesium is a cloudy, frangible gold solid culled from the root of a morning glory. | | Mixing demelzackium with fackpatonesium causes a violent chemical reaction, producing a cloudy white potion which gives the user the power of dodging bullets. | | Yet another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern |
|
|
| it's 5 o'clock somewhere... |
[13 Sep 2003|12:34pm] |
So, quitting turns out to be really hard, for the second time. Really makes me wish I never started again...
But, everything else seems to be going fine. I just got my 60-day review which landed me a raise... which means I can afford my own apartment! After I pay off my truck of course. But something that may help with that: My mom sold me her old minivan for $800. I just blue booked it at 3,000 even with the damage to the steering and the bad maintenance and shit. So I think I'll sell it for 2500 and pay off my truck and still have 1000 left over! I just hope somebody buys it...
Once I'm out on my own I'm gonna slow down a little. Quit partying so much, eat better, try to get back into exercising every day... that way I'll be living more efficiently and saving more money. Then I can start doing what I want all the time, like camping and hiking and maybe a little traveling. I can't wait to go back to school either. I'm already excited even though I know it's so far away.
It's more than luck that I ended up where I am. It's really amazing to me. Sometimes I can't believe it because I feel like I should be happier. And I'm right, I should. I have a wonderful life. There is nothing wrong in it that I haven't caused myself. And only I can fix what happened and make it better. I wasted so much time.
|
|
| Green Cheese |
[08 Sep 2003|06:59pm] |
Ok, so it's been a while since I posted. Things at Winnelson are going great. I'm up for review this week which means, hopefully, a raise.
I just bought an '83 Silverado from some friends of the family. It's pretty old but it has better mileage than the van, and it's not maroon! It has cruise control too.
We hired another driver at Winnelson, so hopefully soon I may even have the opportunity for advancement, maybe into recieving or will call. I can't wait to start making just a little more, so I can afford my own apartment. It's going to be so sweet.
I also know what I want to go back to school for. I want to go into earth sciences. Hopefully I can do something with astronomy and forestry. I want to become a forest ranger because I already feel like everyone is against me, so I might as well fight them to help protect where we live for once. I also want to learn more about space, and become involved in astronomy and hopefully help make new discoveries.
I know it sounds like a lot. But I can't imagine myself doing anything else in the world and being completely satisfied with myself and my abilities at the same time.
Anyway, in other news, Jason turned 21 last thursday and we had a bash at his sister's apartment, where we all proceeded to get completely wasted and eat bar-b-que! It rocked.
I'm done with preppy bitches and russian coke heads, I mean, looking for a relationship, and now I just want to have fun and see if I can pimp it! HEH HEH...
I've cut back to just 5 cigs a day... Still tokin mucho though. (of course)
Now it's time to go get some food.
Chupa mi Verga!
Lame mis juevos salados!
|
|
| qwertyuiop |
[26 Aug 2003|06:58pm] |
Man I just got Metallica's Kill 'em All album! I can't believe how hard those guys rocked. Pulling Teeth has the craziest sounds I've ever heard coming out of a bass guitar. It makes my hair stand on end.
I have been building up my CD collection a lot actually, thanks to my new job. There are so many more I want to get though.
Work went easy today. It has been going well, despite the long hours, some of the worst days I have there are not as bad as the worst at my other jobs, if that makes sense, and the money is a lot better, so I can't complain.
Tomorrow should be fun. Mike, Tuesday, Val and I are getting together to play a game and a little tokenhacken or something, (which is actually two separate actions and not the hacking you're thinking of) and hopefully drink, since tomorrow is also going to be a hard day at work. I have a shitload of pipe tomorrow. The total weight would be around 900 pounds... thankfully I don't have to move it all at once, but I do have to move it quickly, and it's damn hot out there.
Anyway, I just got done e-mailing people and now I'm going to get some ice cream and go home. Hooray!
|
|
| patience |
[12 Aug 2003|06:34pm] |
the more you see the more you hate
the more i learn the less i love
the more i dream the most i lose
the faster i live the more i roam
the sooner i die the sooner i'm home
|
|
| "Indecision may or may not be my biggest problem" |
[05 Aug 2003|06:08pm] |
Well nothing much has been going on lately. Just working. Though it's nice to see money building up in my bank account rather than disappearing before I know what happened to it.
I'm going to see 311 at the end of August. It's kinda far away but I've made my decision, dammit! If I have to go it alone, so be it!
Tomorrow is going to be boring. I have two little measly boxes to deliver. In a 20 foot long truck about 10 feet wide and 12 feet tall, I have two shitty little boxes. Usually I have about 4 to six orders, each one with several boxes or even a whole skid, and tons of pipe, literally. I guess I can't complain, unless I get sent home early. I could use the overtime.
Here in a few months, when I get my truck, I'm going to move out and get my own apartment. I need some solitude for a while. I'm putting money aside right now so I'll be ready as soon as I have the chance. If I get a raise tomorrow, that will be helpful (tomorrow is the end of my 30-day probational period).
Anyway, I have to go see if Jason and Scarlett are home so I can give them their CD and go get something to eat. Subway sounds good.
|
|
| Donde esta la cerveza por favor? |
[28 Jul 2003|07:14pm] |
So, I ended up not going to James' party on Friday, but I went to Jeremy's on Saturday. It was ok. We played football in the rain but when the lightning started crashing right over head we decided to end the game. Then we went back upstairs and ordered a pizza, had a lot of beer, smoked a little bud, and things kinda went downhill from there. Assholes started emerging, I felt like I had to keep a constant eye on more than one of my friends to keep them from getting hurt in more than one way, and it kinda killed the whole party vibe.
Sunday night I played cards with Mike and Tuesday and Sandy (Tuesday's mom) and had a few beers as well. I ended up getting so drunk that I managed to fall UP the stairs, while holding a beer bottle which managed to plant itself directly between the floor and my forehead, which hurt. Not to mention a bird shat on me arm. That was amusing. Gross, but amusing. I knew it would be my turn someday. I always saw people getting shit on by birds and I thought "someday it's going to happen to me. And it won't be funny."
Anyway, I was too drunk to drive so I stayed at Mike's and woke up at 5:30 this morning, went BACK to my house to change and get my boots and my water jug and shit like that for work and still made it on time.
Today I saw a bad accident happen right in front of me. I was getting on I-70 at Vasquez blvd. when I heard a loud BAM and saw chunks of metal and glass fly off the overpass. Next thing I know a small car comes around the corner with the trunk smashed up to the back seat, smoke billowing out. Then comes the swerving SUV that did the damage, flips onto it's side and spins, coming to a stop blocking all three lanes of eastbound traffic right behind the on ramp I used to get on the Freeway.
In later news, I was going to play softball with mike today but he didn't go to work so he's not going to play. Oh yeah, I also got pulled over today and my tire is flat. What a way to start the week. But tomorrow is another day. I think instead of going back to school for mechanics or astronomy or psychology or any of that I'm just going to get into art. Maybe commercial. I think I could do something with that and be happy.
|
|
| If where you are isn't where you want to be, change your attitude, or change your location! |
[24 Jul 2003|05:48pm] |
So, I didn't get to go to the bar. Yeah, my friends decided to go to six flags and didn't mention it to me. Oh well. I have a party to go to tomorrow and another one on Saturday!
My first full check will be in my account tomorrow morning. That's cool.
Anyway, on Spider's journal everyone is talking about victims and whether or not they have the choice of being a victim. What about victims of emotional distress? I mean, other than disease, certain events can be extremely overwhelming in one's life. Especially as a child. Shouldn't age be considered when defining a victim? Can't an adult more easily understand the ramifications of their problem (i.e. how it will affect them as a person and those around them, which could lead to drastic changes in their life)? If the victim is too young to understand what happened to them, do they still have a choice? What about rape or molestation victims for instance? what about a child who is the victim of emotional abuse? Is fear a choice, or inherent?
What about a child whose parents divorced and split up? The long-term effects might be unknown and irreversible. How can you make a choice if you only know how to live one way?
I guess what I'm getting at is, victims of circumstance might have the choice to change their attitude if they are educated and old enough to understand exactly what is happening to them and how it will affect them.
|
|
| It's the P-vizzle for rizzle |
[22 Jul 2003|06:57pm] |
My new job is going good. I love it way more than Wendy's. I was tired today though cause I didn't go to sleep until about midnight and I had to wake up at 5:30. It was a really quick day though...
The camping trip was pretty cool. We went to Lost Lake in Cache Le Poudre Canyon, which is about 40 miles west of Ft. Collins. We caught a few fish but we threw them all back cause nobody really felt like doing all the work of cleaning and cooking them. We got chomped on by mosquito's though. I must have like 20 million bites that all swelled up. The sad thing is I used like a whole can of that OFF spray. Waste of money.
Now I'm just bored, waiting for my first full check to come in.
Yesterday I went out to Littleton to get a half and we were getting it from this girl that I really like, but she's already with some other dude. But apparently she said that I'm one of the coolest guys she ever met and if she wasn't already with him she would have grabbed me in a second. I don't know how that is supposed to make me feel but since I know the guy she's with is a moron, maybe that means someday I'll have a chance with her. My life is pretty much a waiting game right now anyway, so it doesn't really bother me.
In other news, I have to move a shitload of pipe tomorrow. I'm thinking a little over 3,000 feet, altogether. That's all copper, Gas and ABS pipe. Not too much, apparently, but the most I've ever had to deliver yet. We must be getting some business finally.
Now I'm going to go home and eat some snacks. And read some more of Atlas Shrugged. I haven't done that in a while. Tomorrow is Frontier Club night. That means beer and pool! We need to start going on fridays so I can meet someone besides middle-aged people who are married. Is that what I have to look forward to every night when I'm 40?
Yippy.
|
|
| Hamburger Time |
[13 Jul 2003|02:24pm] |
I love how it gets easier and easier to make friends with people. I just went to my new bosses birthday party yesterday and we all had a good time. They had a keg going in the garage and we mixed up some margaritas and everybody played pool.
I got a new CD by a band called Switchfoot. I don't know when they first came out but I just heard of them. I like their music but it's a little depressing, kinda like coldplay. They're really hippy style though which is me all the way so I dig it.
Things are cool at my new job, I love it. It's way better than Wendy's.
I love having weekends off too, now I get to do things with people my age and live life more than just playing games and watching TV and movies and shit. We go out to the bars, go to parties, play softball with our work teams, next weekend we're going camping. I think sometime this summer we're supposed to go get passes to Elich Gardens. That should be fun too.
I still want to live more though, I feel like there's so much more I can be doing, every night I can't sleep cause I just want to do something... but I'm just trying to be patient and save up money for school right now.
Trying not blow it all right when I get paid. Of course once that's taken care of and I'm enrolled I'll have even less time, but more opportunities and more people to meet... I'm looking forward to that most of all.
|
|
| Don't let the man getcha down |
[07 Jul 2003|10:27pm] |
So, I was told I should write about myself in my own journal. I don't know where that screwed-up logic came from (who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear!), but I figured I'd try it out.
Today was my first day driving solo at my new job. I only got lost twice and had to back-track. But I never even called in for help. I just pulled off the side of the road and read my damn map-book and turned around and did it for myself. Call it pride, but I really wanted to impress everyone. I want them to know that I want to learn and I don't need to be babied and if I really, really need help then I'll ask for it.
I didn't ask for help once today. I went in, I did my job, I did it well. I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow is going to be different. Today I had 5 drops but tomorrow I'll only have 3. Each one is pretty big though. I have a lot of gas pipe to deliver and that shit is heavy. It's also supposed to be up in the mid-90's tomorrow which won't make it any easier. But fuck it, at least I'll get a tan.
I came home today and entered my card transactions into my budget spreadsheet and found a 100 dollar discrepancy. Not in my favor. This makes me really mad. I don't have a clue where the money went. Tomorrow I have to race to the bank as soon as I get off work so I can get a printout of my recent transactions to try and figure out what the hell went wrong.
I went to Wendy's today and said hi to all the night crew. Jason is getting sick of working there too. He said he wants to go to school to be a design engineer or something. His mom is going to pay for it. I think I can predict how that one will turn out, but if he hates working there enough then maybe he'll prove me wrong. I did it.
I saw Haleigh today too. I guess she's doing ok. She introduced me to her friend Jamie. She seems to be one of those people who think they're really cool when they're not that cool. We only said a few words to each other though so I could be wrong, but she seemed way too worried about proving to me that she was cool. I thought she was cute but I don't feel the need to know another person like that so I played nice but indifferent. Which I was.
Now I'm tired and I have to wake up in 6 1/2 hours so I'm going to sleep.
|
|
| CMNE |
[30 Jun 2003|08:00pm] |
A very prominent organization known as the Center for Men Neglected by their Ex's.
Dear self,
You rock. You can drive a big-ass diesel truck without any training and squish little beaters off the road. You can move heavy objects with ease on a cup of coffee and 4 hours of sleep. You learned how to communicate with others and fit in to whatever crowd you want to. You're better than most at playing the guitar, the bass, drawing, singing, and writing, too. You have an astounding ability to empathize and read people through their eyes. I don't find you very attractive, but I think that's ok considering you're the same sex as me. Either way you still know how to flirt, which is fun, and people like your sense of humor and your wit almost as much as I do. You can cook really well, and you are neat, and clean, and you smell really good, too. You have more patience than you give yourself credit for, and you have an urge to love and help everyone even if you haven't met them or learned anything about them. You know more than your friends, except maybe one, even though you're not very good at applying that knowledge logically to life situations, you're learning to, which is admirable (and occasionally funny). You're starting to take risks, but not stupid ones, and even though you're scared shit-less you're learning to like it. I hope you keep learning more and more, especially about people, especially about yourself. I hope you start to enjoy life more just because you have the privilege to be alive, and learn to take better care of yourself so that you can continue to live, and live well. Now go have fun with your friends, and be home by 10:30.
Love, Me
|
|
| Well boy howdy... |
[27 Jun 2003|10:20am] |
|
I went in for an interview this morning with Aurora-Winnellson, a plumbing supply delivery service here in Aurora. I got the job! I'm starting tuesday at 6:30. It's my job to load and unload the delivery truck and also to drive and make the deliveries. It's supposed to be tough work because I'll be delivering not only pipes and connectors and tools but water heaters and cast-iron tubs, sinks, toilets and other things. I know it will be worth it though, they're going to pay me more money than I've ever made in my life, which still isn't much but it's almost twice what I'm making now, with a 90-day probational period. After 30 days if I'm doing well I get a raise, and another at 60 if I continue to improve. With this job I can finally get a cell phone, and save up for a better car, and go back to school, and travel, and do all sorts of things! Thank G-d for Mike! He was the one who told me about the job opportunity. Although I must admit I'm very pleased with myself as well, for having the self-control to quit smoking weed and take the time to submit applications and do call-backs and not be afraid to ask questions and go in for job interviews... IAA! Must be contagious, self-control I mean.
|
|
| I have weird friends |
[26 Jun 2003|07:22pm] |
"Hello, I'm young MC with a story to tell. I just got a free cup from Taco Bell. And MTV makes the whole thing fun - buy a giant size pepsi, and you'll get one. Four cups in all, so don't stand still, and if you have an empty cup, you get a free refill. To get these cups, you gotta place your order, so take my advice - you better run for the border."
I still love you!~
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
fackpatones's journal
